I’m about to get really personal. Uncomfortably so. There are certain masks I put on to make sure people don’t know when I’m unhappy, but now I’m going to admit, there’s a lot of times, that I’m unhappy.
There’s the weird dynamic to performing comedy. I can’t pretend to know what it’s like for everyone else, but for me it’s a series of major ups and downs. When I’m on stage, I’m the happiest and best version of myself. I may be going over lines or improv rules in my head before I go on, but once I’m on, I have to let that go. When I do, it’s thrilling. You can tell I’m happy because I won’t quit grinning like an idiot.
I’m even thrilled for about half an hour after I walk off stage. However, after that beautiful afterglow of adrenaline wears off, the self doubt and depression set in. It’s the strangest thing and it’s hard to explain.