If you can’t read the above message it says,
Hi Topher, [Blacked out name] asked me to reach out to you regarding possible work opportunities. I have 6+ years of Digital Ad Ops experience with major brands, including a few movie launches and major publications (CBS news, NYTimes), both search and display, but also am interested in Traditional Media.
If there were any positions you could recommend, with links, I would happily apply myself.
Thanks, Resume attached.
First off I want to make it clear, I’m a nobody in the industry. I’m a low ranking employee at a big company. However, for some reason, I’m asked all the time about getting people jobs. I like helping people and I do on the occasion, but every once in a while I get a request that infuriates me. This is a vast overreaction that was written on a day after I had received more than one entitled job request and I had hit my limit of kind “go jump off a cliff” responses. No, I did not send this. It’s only here for you to enjoy.
Thank you for your incredibly presumptuous message. Let me begin this reply by letting you know that I unfortunately have reached my quota of resume reviews for the day, so I’m not going to be able to help you out. Here are a few reasons why, broken down by section.
1. [Your friend] asked me to reach out to you:
Bully for you. You know someone I know. Please tell them to lose my contact information if they plan to continue to tell others to contact me without first asking me. Why didn’t we get connected through them? Why didn’t he forward me a message from you?
I need to know. Did he tell you that I was going to drop everything and spend all my time trying to help you get a job? If so, I’m wondering if he and I should even be friends. What kind of friend would tell you to ask that of me? As if you were doing me a favor by giving me the opportunity to read and distribute such a powerful and thought-provoking resume.
2. I have 6+ years of Digital Ad Ops experience with major brands, including a few movie launches and major publications (CBS news, NYTimes), both search and display, but also am interested in Traditional Media.:
OK, now you’re giving me your resume and telling me what you’re interested in doing for a living. I almost fell asleep in the middle of it, but OK, you’re trying to let me know that you’re legitimate and that you have some experience and skills. Fine. Question for you though– if you have all of this job experience, why aren’t you reaching out to someone you formerly worked with? What did you even do in those companies? Did you make any tangible improvements to the company, or manage any lucrative projects? Or did you actually just sit around scrolling through Facebook and assume that means Digital Ad experience? Also- Why are you reaching out to me? A stranger? Who doesn’t work in Digital Advertising? On a positive note however, I am also interested in traditional media. I think newspapers are way retro and make for really good wrapping paper.
3. If there were any positions you could recommend, with links, I would happily apply myself.:
STOP THE TRADITIONAL MEDIA PRESSES! THIS GUY KNOWS HOW TO APPLY FOR A JOB! Whew! I didn’t realize that, since you just spent three sentences asking a perfect stranger to research, recommend, and compile a linked list of jobs for you to apply for. I get that job hunting is hard, but I have no desire to put any effort into finding a job for someone who is not a blood relative, close friend, neighbor, or even a mild acquaintance that friend-requested me after meeting me once at my cousin’s wedding seven years ago. Where do you get off asking that of someone? Did I miss something in your one sentence job experience that was supposed to convince me that you’re the next Steve Jobs? Are you– a former Digital Ads Ops employee– going to make me look so good to my boss that he promotes me? Not quite sure if that’s the case considering you apparently don’t know how to use the internet.
Also, why aren’t you using the internet? Shouldn’t you be sending me links to open jobs at the company I work at? Did your hands fall off recently? If so, how did you manage to type this message? No seriously, is at a voice thing? I’m interested.
You’re going to message a complete stranger, not ask them to meet, not ask questions, not even ask for a recommendation (which I wouldn’t give you because I don’t know you), but ask that I scour the world for specific industry jobs that meet your interests and send you links for them? I don’t work in HR. I don’t even work in your field, but I guess you wouldn’t know that because you’re not interested in me, but only to ask me what I can do for you. I am just thrilled that you’d be happy to apply to jobs that I would find for you. However, I’m going to pass on this one.
I like helping people. I really do. I’ve met with several people and chatted with them about their career and tried to help them find jobs. What’s the difference between you and them? They weren’t just asking for a job, they were making a connection because they understand what it means to network.
I’m a person. Please treat me like one.
I never even opened your resume