Monologue Joke Thursday 4.9.15 | Topher Harless
:::: MENU ::::

Monologue Joke Thursday 4.9.15


My favorite monologue jokes from this week and some old ones:

  1. Last month, Utah Gov. Gary Herbert signed a bill bringing back the firing squad as a method of execution. As a method of torture, he brought back AOL.
  2. A Chinese man in a car accident and was taken to the hospital and when staff started contacting his loved ones, they found out that he had been dating at least 17 women at the same time who all showed up. What’s worse? None of the women could stay angry because he remembered all of their anniversary’s.
  3. A Drexel University law professor professor is now under investigation for sending anal-bead porn to her students. Students describe the class as interesting because the teacher knew just how to pull their strings.
  4. A 12-year-old boy finished 1st out of 11.57 million in ESPN’s bracket challenge, but unfortunately, can’t win because he’s under 18 years old. But don’t worry, he’s still making more than the actual athletes in the games.
  5. A Pakistani prostitute has been arrested because she called the Dubai police station when a customer didn’t pay her. She might have gotten away with it except she demanded the police pay in cocaine.
  6. According to the New York Times, on his 2009 voter-registration application Jeb Bush registered to vote as ‘hispanic.’ Making his recent Quinceañera make way more sense.
  7. According to a new study by the Conversation, 51% of dead rappers were murdered. Making it official, Country music is the safest music.
  8. The Walt Disney Co. today announced plans to make a sequel to the animated mega-hit Frozen. So yes, that does mean you’ll never escape it. Just let it go.
  9. According to recent studies, eating tilapia is worse for you than eating bacon is. So if you were looking for an excuse to eat more bacon, this isn’t it. Just don’t eat talapia.
  10. According to new disclosures, the NSA has intercepted thousands of conversations, including baby photos, fitness selfies, and medical records. So, if you were planning on becoming a terrorist anytime soon, realize that when you do, the government is going tease you real hard.